lilia_elora (lilia_elora) wrote in brokenhearts,

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Sharing the pain

You cant in day to day life scream at every passerby saying my heart is ripped in two, so thought id say it here.

Well im alone. Saying hes left me saying his name hurts too much.

The pain wells up like a smoke cloud from the pit of your stomach rushing up to your throat where it settles becoming lodged like lead making it so hard to breath.

Its been three days though, I haven't been able to walk into that bedroom without feeling ill, numb. I sleep on the floor in the lounge room with a cat that farts in my face lol. My back is starting to pay the price.

I have twin girls theyre under two, I am twenty five, and the thoughts that rush through. Who would want to take us on, I have to go through all the milestones on my own. I have to toilet train pick schools, feed, bath, entertain them. I think long term they will help heal the pain cause you cant focus on yourself. Short term though it would be nice to grieve, itd be nice to drink wine all day and just numb it all. 

I need some strong sleep tablets so i dont have to think all day, dread when the night comes to an end and the nightmares start. Getting drunk helps stop the thoughts, but a 7am start when youre hung over as fuck and havent eaten in three days makes for a harder day... but its worth it just to kill the screaming voices in my mind.

I wish he fucked another woman or punched me in the face so I could just hate him and move on. But because hes the one who left I have no control over anything that happens and thats so fucken unfair.

His friends are messaging me offering help, i am like fuck off this is so superficial we are never going to see each other again, youre his friends not mine. And forever asking are you ok, yeah just fucken dandy people ask the stupidest and state the most obvious of things sometimes drives me fucken crazy.

And if he does want to come back I really think it wouldnt be for all the love he feels for me, its cause where he moved the commute to work it an hour or so and here its only 15 minutes. What a reason to stay with someone.

How the hell am I going to raise two children all on my own. Its their birthday in one month, and easter next week what the fuck am I going to do. i wish he where dead so I could feel a little more justified and a little more closure with the agony I am experiancing.

Centrelink when I had to go on single parent payments needed a reason why we split fuck knows why that is. I burst into tears and says because he doesnt love me anymore, i mean really what the fuck do you want me to say. And jesus christ I hate msn for the sad faces I mean really thats how you express your concern a fucken sad face how much have we lost as a race that we cant use words or sorrow any longer.
I am going to get my friend to teach me a peice from The Piano, there is one song in there that truly expresses my deverstation, I can in so many ways express happiness and joy it floats through me, but true pain music can express a lifetime of it in three minutes.

I own my own home which is good, well i have a mortuage which despite all this I can afford which is pretty fucken incredable. And its a beauitful house no work needed I feel so lucky to have that, so proud that I will be having new people in my life walking through that front door going wow.

Fuck i wish his friends would stop talking to me cause i cant help but respond and i dont want to think about it, I like the fact i havent heard his voice or seen him, it doesnt make it as painful.

When he left he took a bag, his toothbrush and his fucken computer.. and left the cat he owned for nine years. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT. He locked the phone and took all the money stating "I owe you nothing and I am not responsable for you." Thats fine but we have two kids which needed food and nappies you cunt. He said I was just some chick he fucked and made a mistake getting knocked up, who says that about the two most beauitful angels in the world.

How do you cope with this. How do you raise two kids on your own.

I used to think single mums complained too much, they got every fortnight off, being with him I never did, I did everything around the house with the girls and he did nothing so isnt my life harder than yours. But now I get it being a single mum is having to have youre heart break everytime he takes them away for that weekend. Watching them walk out of your life and all the love leave the house with their beings. Not that hes even told me when hes seeing them cause well he wont speak to me.
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