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brokenhearts's Journal

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Name:
Jacqui's Broken Hearts On the Mend, sewing circle
Location:
Broken Hearts
Membership:
Open
Posting Access:
All Members , Moderated
I've given some thought to whether this should be a for-gals-only journal, but it doesn't seem fair to leave out guys, who also get their hearts broken, so for now it's open to both sexes. However I reserve the right to change this if I see the need to. I will also boot people off of here, and lock them out permanently, if they don't play nicely with each other. I of course reserve the right to play however I like ; )

Here comes my own break-up story, feel free to get out your Kleenex;

About two years ago my husband suddenly ran off with a stripper and married her, in a quickie ceremony in Vegas, (yup he's a bigamist). It was horrible. He was a stranger to me, angry, violent, cruel, heartless, and cold. The man I had known for so long, at least the part of him I loved, was gone forever.

We had been together for a long time, since I was eighteen, but it seemed as if our life together had been a lie. I loved him so much I didn't know how I would live without him. I remember calling him and telling him that I was his wife and that I would be buried next to him no matter what he did. I was insane with grief.

He cheated on me all through our time together. He cheated on me before we were married, while we were married, during my pregnancy and then again after. He tried to have sex with my friends.
He drank. He lied. He stayed out late, a lot.

I tried everything I could think of to make him love me and to keep him. I looked the other way when one of his girlfriends asked me to meet her and then put the bills for her miscarriage in my hand. I forgave him for this and so much more. I threw a birthday party for him one week after he left me alone on my birthday, while he stayed at some hotel with his latest stripper. I told him I'd get liposuction, he could cheat all he wanted, and I'd look the other way, if only he'd stay. I told him I'd do anything to keep our little family together, and in the end he still left.

Now almost three years later, I think it was probably the best thing that could have happened. I am so glad to be free, but it still hurts. I loved him so much but he never treated me as if I was very important to him. I always felt as if there was something missing. I felt like I had to coach him through all of the sweet little romantic rituals that other couples seem to do for each other effortlessly. He was funny, charming, handsome and charismatic. Everyone liked him so I thought it was my fault that he couldn't love me better. I thought it was because I was fat, and found out it wasn't. He was just selfish, immature, sexist, lazy, slow and emotionally retarded. He certainly didn't deserve to be hero worshipped by me, but he was lucky, always has been. There will be a string of women in his life and I already feel sorry for them.

I am so much better now. I have another partner who is so much kinder to me. I never knew what it felt like to be treated well and now I do. I don't have anyone around to blame me for everything. I don't pace the hallway at night listening for the sound of his car, so that I can sleep, knowing he has come home to me at last. I don't have to support someone who doesn't return the favor. I don't ever have to worry that someone will throw or break things, or shove me or grab me by my neck. Most importantly my little boy doesn't have to listen to our fighting or be afraid that he will be yelled at or pinned down by an angry father.

It took time and work for me to heal but I learned a lot in the process and I'm still learning. I went to therapy and read books. I collected movies and music about breaking up. I filled up the empty jagged hole with new things, people and places. I didn't want to do any of these things. Every song on the radio made me cry. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. I hurt so badly I just wanted to give up. I thought I was all alone and then realized I really wasn't.

There are tons of women and men just like me, people who have been dumped, people who are broken hearted and healing. I wanted to start a journal for them, for all of us, so we can have a place to vent, so we can help each other heal.

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