I have known Andy for about 10 years, about 9 of which we have been dating. We started in High School and it was shakey there. During the summers I would be come frustrated by how far away he lived (4 towns or so over) and we would break up. It would also never help that I would find a summer fling to lust after in that time and break up with him to try a new relationship. Those summer things never ever worked out and in the fall I would go crawling back to Andy, until senior year. We stayed together over the summer and I had only eyes for him. Since then He was a bright shining star in my life. I went to college a hour from home so that I could see him on the weekends. Our relationship was great. I would find guys that I liked and would fid very hot, but never like them enough to even think about leaving Andy. As for him, well I was always somewhat worried that he would find someone bette then me and drop me on my ass. It never happened and we both got out of college and moved into a nice little condo.
A few months passed and I began to withdraw. I have some very serious self esteem issues as well as being mildly bipolar. I have a tendency to turn inward and just not notice. I throw myself into my work and my routine and barely lift my head to notice the world.
Andy is a musician. He was professionally trained by Rutgers Mason Gross for Clarenet (god I can't spell it) but he's also a middle school teacher. On week nights he works at an acadamy of music. Theres a young girl there. 18 or 19. She has a boy thats almost a year old now and is ona god knows how many boyfriends. Well around October she started being nicer and nicer to him. I wanred him of her affection when he would tell me about it. He'd mention it in a "Pam brought me water tonight." or "pam brought me dinner tonight." This worried me a little, but not to much. Andy's the one person in the world that you would never expect to... do that.. so I told him to be careful and that was it.
Then one niht we go out for dinner and we sit in the car after it and he goes. "Pam kissed me today." I shrugged it off and we talked about it. We agreed that he hald to talk to her about it. He was really really upset because he hadn't pulled away or stopped the kiss. He kept saying that. Looking back.. maybe he was guilty for enjoying it. This happened about 3 weeks before Thanksgiving. The week or two before this my father had a heart attack. He lived but had surgery and even now I want to cry when I think of my father almost dying. This ofcourse didn't help the issue of me burying myself in my work. I didn't want to think or have time to think about my daddy dying.
I assmued that that was the end of the problem. I throw myself into work, which quickly becomes super stressful as I get a mini promotion and I'm the only tech staff at a large campus twice a week.
On tuesday he had off and said that he would go in early and talk to her about it. Explain that he wants to stay with me. He called me at work later and said that everything was fine. It was all okay.
What he didn't tell me was... that they had plans to meet up later, at her house. (or her mothers since she lives with her) His excuse was that they didn't really have a chance to talk about "it" at the office, it was busy and they decided to have a good talk later. Now here.... i don't know all the details. He hasn't told them to me, because he doesn't remember.. or says he doesn't. Well. He shows up and they are talking, next thing he knows they are making out, next thing after that they are having sex, next thing after that he's crying.
He ofcourse came home to me that night and behaved just as normal. or as normal as usual.I didn't notice a change that night.. or the next few nights. Then sunday.. a week after he tells me she kissed him.... we are sitting watching tv. (I remember that he wanted to go out for steak again that night just like last time) and he suddenly turns it off and starts crying and tells me that he fucked up. that he slept with her.
and I shut off. I emptied out. I comforted him and told him it was okay and that I still loved him and to stop crying. well.
the next day i took off from work. mostly because I didn't have any money for gas and my loving boy had borrowed my car and not put enough gas in my car for me to goto work. I was forced to stay in bed and be empty. I spent about 5 minutes crying and then rest just being empty. I decided that I couldn't leave.. i couldn't imagine a life that he did not exsist that I could not call and talk to. He is my best friend. my only friend that I can tell anything to.
That night I told him that I didn't want him talking to her again. and he goes, "you can't do that." I errupted and screamed that I get to ask one thing.. one thing and thats it. I then broke a little and cried for about 5 minutes before I could get control.
He agreed and promised. 5 days later I decided I needed some professional help and I've been seeing a counsler that works from my company.
We were okay until I found an email. (he left the page up on the computer and god damn it I did snoop... but.. i can't be blamed) and theres and email to her. Saying that "teh who could yous started tonight. I'll call you later. Love Andrew" dated the night I told him he couldn't speak to her. And I shattered. I called him 50 timees in a minute and just about died over the phone. I screamed and crying and it wasn't even the worst that I could have been. It was barely a fraction. I cried about how I can't trust him. HE threw up at work and begged and pleaded.
I almost didn't come home that night. I went to work and was miserable but almost stayed because I didn't want to see him. I did and her cried abotu how aawful he is and how could he do this and he didn't call her.
its been about 2 months.since he cheated and I'm still a mess. I can't tell anyone because I'm planning our wedding and its too late to stop and post pone and I don't know if I want too. Sometimes I love being with him and sometimes.
I think abotu what she did.. how she touched him, how they kissed and I just can't... handle it. Far to often I almost break down and lose it. I want to lose it. I want to scream and stomp and cry and fall apart and.... lay on my bathroom floor like Izzy from Grey's Anatomy. but I can't. I don't have time to do any of that. Im also afraid that if I do i won't be able to stop.
and he doesn't understand. he jsut wants to forget about it. I'm obsessed with it. I want to know every detail and he says he can't remember and I know he doesn't want to but... I don't know. I have the complete and utter desire to shatter him. To break every bit of himself and smoosh it with my feet and murder his self esteem and at the same time I don't want him to suffer. I want to shoulder the whole burden and pretend like we are perfect and
god I don;t know what I want! I'm so fucking lost. and i dont know what to do or how to feel i don't want to feel anyone it anymore. But I can't ... I can't leave him and I cant trust him.