crimsonnicole (crimsonnicole) wrote in brokenhearts,

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Hello all! My name is Nicole and I figured that I would introduce myself and tell my story. I was 23 and bitter. I had walls of steel around me since I'd been hurt more than I could stand and I was determined not to let it happen again. My friends even called me the Ice Bitch. And I met Eric. I was thinking, "goodie, a new toy!" and gradually over the next couple of years he pulled down my walls and found a way inside. He blundered along the way and I pulled up my wall again, but then it was gone. My emmotions were exposed raw and there was nothing I could do about it. I finally learned to relax and have fun and to love. I loved him, and I still do.
New Years was "our" holiday. The first one I pulled him out of his comfy element and into mine with my friends. That was the night of our first kiss. He had already been spending the night at my apartment for a couple of months with nothing happening between us. We just watched movies and cuddled up and went to sleep. He pushed me aside for this girl kelly that February. I didn't take it well, but I just pulled up my wall and pretended that he didn't exist. kelly blew him off for their second date and he was behind me telling a friend of mine and I turned around and laughed at him and walked away. About 2 months later he wore me down by his attentiveness and I "let" him spend time with me again. Then we spent more time together. After a few months we were inseparable you did not see one of us without the other. He started being disrespectable here and there, but then he'd be cute and apologetic and I'd let it go. Then I stopped going out with my friends so that Eric and I could be together and have fun. Then he started flirting with every girl that would talk to him, yet if I talked to a guy he would all but pee on my leg to mark his territory. But that was ok, because he's just being protective. We didn't argue, there wasn't anything to argue about I don't mind giving an inch and nothing else was really that important. New Years came and it was wonderful. We were perfect together. Then he wanted to go on a date with this woman heather. He just wanted to see what she was like because she seemed interesting. That was ok, because he came over after and we talked about it as we fell asleep. A little more time went by and he met sarah. Then he wasn't comming over as much. Then I didn't see him in a week. When he did come over it was to tell me that we needed to end because he saw a chance of "something" with sarah. I didn't take it well. I didn't have a wall to pull up around me and hide my hurt. I went and found him at the bar we hung out at and made a drunken spectacle of myself. It wasn't pretty in any way shape or form. Eric was embarassed and didn't talk to me for a month and a half. On St. Patrick's day we made up and started talking again. He started spending the night at my apartment again. Nothing was happening, but we would just cuddle up and go to sleep. By June, he was still with sarah, but we were having sex again. He and sarah had a fight at the beginning of December so he and I got to spend the holidays together and once again New Years. Then 2 weeks later we found out that I was 2 months pregnant (so he would have been with sarah at the time). I wouldn't get an abortion. That didn't go over well. This time I wouldn't give an inch. I gave him 2 weeks to convince me that was what I should do. His only reason was "I don't want to". That's not enough to kill my child. He was angry, hurt, just down right miserable. Here's a funny part: He had the nerve to bitch about feeling betrayed to sarah, the girl he was cheating on for 5 months. I got a kick out of that. How do I know it was said? Because sara's roommate went to my work to yell at me for being selfish by not having the abortion, and to scold me for sleeping with someone in a relationship. I'm sorry, I didn't know that it was my job to keep him faithful. And it wasn't exactly in my power to keep refusing him when all I wanted was to be in his arms. So he didn't talk to me for the beginning of my pregnancy and then we saw eachother at a funeral of a friend of ours and started talking again. Then we started sleeping together again. Why not? Its not like I could get any more pregnant. That was my reasoning, and I just wanted to be with him. If he could just pretend that he loved me I would have been happy. Then he met sue. That's who he's with now. When I was 5 months along I discovered this. He was telling me that he didn't have standards anymore... thus sue. She's the poster girl for "white trash". So, here I am 5 months along and here's this girl waving at me from across the room to get my attention every time she goes to make out with Eric. This went on for hours and then when it was time to go she made a point for me to see that he was going home with her. I was in tears and she pointed and laughed at me. I still think that she needs a brick in the head, but we'll let that go. Eric wasn't there for the birth of his daughter. He showed up the next day for half an hour. He's seen her a couple of times. Her name is Estella Michelle, it means "Star from God". I'm into the whole meaning of names thing. He hasn't seen her in 3 months. He's turned into a real prick, or maybe he's always been one and I just couldn't see it. I still love him though. I love who he was. I love who he was to me even though I hate who he's become. I still close my eyes at night and can feel him curled around me. I still go through my day thinking "I'll have to remember to tell Eric". I look at our daughter and wonder at how he can stand to be away from her. I miss his silly jokes and him trying to impress me. I miss how safe he could make me feel when I poured my heart out to him. And now I'm hurt and bitter and I don't feel like I will ever be okay again. I know that time heals, but it seems like this will take forever. And I feel like I'll be alone till I die because I don't want to get hurt again. That's it, thanks for reading. Sorry if I babbled a bit.
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