Jacqui's Broken Hearts On the Mend, sewing circle's Journal|
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|Tuesday, March 31st, 2009|
Sharing the pain
You cant in day to day life scream at every passerby saying my heart is ripped in two, so thought id say it here.
Well im alone. Saying hes left me saying his name hurts too much.
The pain wells up like a smoke cloud from the pit of your stomach rushing up to your throat where it settles becoming lodged like lead making it so hard to breath.
Its been three days though, I haven't been able to walk into that bedroom without feeling ill, numb. I sleep on the floor in the lounge room with a cat that farts in my face lol. My back is starting to pay the price.
I have twin girls theyre under two, I am twenty five, and the thoughts that rush through. Who would want to take us on, I have to go through all the milestones on my own. I have to toilet train pick schools, feed, bath, entertain them. I think long term they will help heal the pain cause you cant focus on yourself. Short term though it would be nice to grieve, itd be nice to drink wine all day and just numb it all.
I need some strong sleep tablets so i dont have to think all day, dread when the night comes to an end and the nightmares start. Getting drunk helps stop the thoughts, but a 7am start when youre hung over as fuck and havent eaten in three days makes for a harder day... but its worth it just to kill the screaming voices in my mind.
I wish he fucked another woman or punched me in the face so I could just hate him and move on. But because hes the one who left I have no control over anything that happens and thats so fucken unfair.
His friends are messaging me offering help, i am like fuck off this is so superficial we are never going to see each other again, youre his friends not mine. And forever asking are you ok, yeah just fucken dandy people ask the stupidest and state the most obvious of things sometimes drives me fucken crazy.
And if he does want to come back I really think it wouldnt be for all the love he feels for me, its cause where he moved the commute to work it an hour or so and here its only 15 minutes. What a reason to stay with someone.
How the hell am I going to raise two children all on my own. Its their birthday in one month, and easter next week what the fuck am I going to do. i wish he where dead so I could feel a little more justified and a little more closure with the agony I am experiancing.
Centrelink when I had to go on single parent payments needed a reason why we split fuck knows why that is. I burst into tears and says because he doesnt love me anymore, i mean really what the fuck do you want me to say. And jesus christ I hate msn for the sad faces I mean really thats how you express your concern a fucken sad face how much have we lost as a race that we cant use words or sorrow any longer.
I am going to get my friend to teach me a peice from The Piano, there is one song in there that truly expresses my deverstation, I can in so many ways express happiness and joy it floats through me, but true pain music can express a lifetime of it in three minutes.
I own my own home which is good, well i have a mortuage which despite all this I can afford which is pretty fucken incredable. And its a beauitful house no work needed I feel so lucky to have that, so proud that I will be having new people in my life walking through that front door going wow.
Fuck i wish his friends would stop talking to me cause i cant help but respond and i dont want to think about it, I like the fact i havent heard his voice or seen him, it doesnt make it as painful.
When he left he took a bag, his toothbrush and his fucken computer.. and left the cat he owned for nine years. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT. He locked the phone and took all the money stating "I owe you nothing and I am not responsable for you." Thats fine but we have two kids which needed food and nappies you cunt. He said I was just some chick he fucked and made a mistake getting knocked up, who says that about the two most beauitful angels in the world.
How do you cope with this. How do you raise two kids on your own.
I used to think single mums complained too much, they got every fortnight off, being with him I never did, I did everything around the house with the girls and he did nothing so isnt my life harder than yours. But now I get it being a single mum is having to have youre heart break everytime he takes them away for that weekend. Watching them walk out of your life and all the love leave the house with their beings. Not that hes even told me when hes seeing them cause well he wont speak to me. Current Mood: crushed
|Monday, January 22nd, 2007|
Are you all still active? Is there another "he cheated" community out there that I can't seem to find? Well Since I'm here I might aw well share while I'm here. Hello all.
I have known Andy for about 10 years, about 9 of which we have been dating. We started in High School and it was shakey there. During the summers I would be come frustrated by how far away he lived (4 towns or so over) and we would break up. It would also never help that I would find a summer fling to lust after in that time and break up with him to try a new relationship. Those summer things never ever worked out and in the fall I would go crawling back to Andy, until senior year. We stayed together over the summer and I had only eyes for him. Since then He was a bright shining star in my life. I went to college a hour from home so that I could see him on the weekends. Our relationship was great. I would find guys that I liked and would fid very hot, but never like them enough to even think about leaving Andy. As for him, well I was always somewhat worried that he would find someone bette then me and drop me on my ass. It never happened and we both got out of college and moved into a nice little condo.
A few months passed and I began to withdraw. I have some very serious self esteem issues as well as being mildly bipolar. I have a tendency to turn inward and just not notice. I throw myself into my work and my routine and barely lift my head to notice the world.
Andy is a musician. He was professionally trained by Rutgers Mason Gross for Clarenet (god I can't spell it) but he's also a middle school teacher. On week nights he works at an acadamy of music. Theres a young girl there. 18 or 19. She has a boy thats almost a year old now and is ona god knows how many boyfriends. Well around October she started being nicer and nicer to him. I wanred him of her affection when he would tell me about it. He'd mention it in a "Pam brought me water tonight." or "pam brought me dinner tonight." This worried me a little, but not to much. Andy's the one person in the world that you would never expect to... do that.. so I told him to be careful and that was it.
Then one niht we go out for dinner and we sit in the car after it and he goes. "Pam kissed me today." I shrugged it off and we talked about it. We agreed that he hald to talk to her about it. He was really really upset because he hadn't pulled away or stopped the kiss. He kept saying that. Looking back.. maybe he was guilty for enjoying it. This happened about 3 weeks before Thanksgiving. The week or two before this my father had a heart attack. He lived but had surgery and even now I want to cry when I think of my father almost dying. This ofcourse didn't help the issue of me burying myself in my work. I didn't want to think or have time to think about my daddy dying.
I assmued that that was the end of the problem. I throw myself into work, which quickly becomes super stressful as I get a mini promotion and I'm the only tech staff at a large campus twice a week.
On tuesday he had off and said that he would go in early and talk to her about it. Explain that he wants to stay with me. He called me at work later and said that everything was fine. It was all okay.
What he didn't tell me was... that they had plans to meet up later, at her house. (or her mothers since she lives with her) His excuse was that they didn't really have a chance to talk about "it" at the office, it was busy and they decided to have a good talk later. Now here.... i don't know all the details. He hasn't told them to me, because he doesn't remember.. or says he doesn't. Well. He shows up and they are talking, next thing he knows they are making out, next thing after that they are having sex, next thing after that he's crying.
He ofcourse came home to me that night and behaved just as normal. or as normal as usual.I didn't notice a change that night.. or the next few nights. Then sunday.. a week after he tells me she kissed him.... we are sitting watching tv. (I remember that he wanted to go out for steak again that night just like last time) and he suddenly turns it off and starts crying and tells me that he fucked up. that he slept with her.
and I shut off. I emptied out. I comforted him and told him it was okay and that I still loved him and to stop crying. well.
the next day i took off from work. mostly because I didn't have any money for gas and my loving boy had borrowed my car and not put enough gas in my car for me to goto work. I was forced to stay in bed and be empty. I spent about 5 minutes crying and then rest just being empty. I decided that I couldn't leave.. i couldn't imagine a life that he did not exsist that I could not call and talk to. He is my best friend. my only friend that I can tell anything to.
That night I told him that I didn't want him talking to her again. and he goes, "you can't do that." I errupted and screamed that I get to ask one thing.. one thing and thats it. I then broke a little and cried for about 5 minutes before I could get control.
He agreed and promised. 5 days later I decided I needed some professional help and I've been seeing a counsler that works from my company.
We were okay until I found an email. (he left the page up on the computer and god damn it I did snoop... but.. i can't be blamed) and theres and email to her. Saying that "teh who could yous started tonight. I'll call you later. Love Andrew" dated the night I told him he couldn't speak to her. And I shattered. I called him 50 timees in a minute and just about died over the phone. I screamed and crying and it wasn't even the worst that I could have been. It was barely a fraction. I cried about how I can't trust him. HE threw up at work and begged and pleaded.
I almost didn't come home that night. I went to work and was miserable but almost stayed because I didn't want to see him. I did and her cried abotu how aawful he is and how could he do this and he didn't call her.
its been about 2 months.since he cheated and I'm still a mess. I can't tell anyone because I'm planning our wedding and its too late to stop and post pone and I don't know if I want too. Sometimes I love being with him and sometimes.
I think abotu what she did.. how she touched him, how they kissed and I just can't... handle it. Far to often I almost break down and lose it. I want to lose it. I want to scream and stomp and cry and fall apart and.... lay on my bathroom floor like Izzy from Grey's Anatomy. but I can't. I don't have time to do any of that. Im also afraid that if I do i won't be able to stop.
and he doesn't understand. he jsut wants to forget about it. I'm obsessed with it. I want to know every detail and he says he can't remember and I know he doesn't want to but... I don't know. I have the complete and utter desire to shatter him. To break every bit of himself and smoosh it with my feet and murder his self esteem and at the same time I don't want him to suffer. I want to shoulder the whole burden and pretend like we are perfect and
god I don;t know what I want! I'm so fucking lost. and i dont know what to do or how to feel i don't want to feel anyone it anymore. But I can't ... I can't leave him and I cant trust him.
|Thursday, November 24th, 2005|
This is my first time posting on this, but I definately need some advice and second opinions.
I'm a male and of age 19. Recently I was hurt by the girl I'm absolutely in love with and cannot help but exclusively picture myself with her. Basically we started to see other people as well as be together. She didn't think that she could feel the way that she felt about me with others, but she went out with this guy and they did. I still have yet to date anybody else. Anyway, they had a great time and it made her start to question whether she wants to be with me right now. She doesn't really know what she wants. She says that when she's with him, she wants to be with him. when she's with me, she wants to be with me. So we're still dating, but not as boyfriend and girlfriend. The guy she's dating definitely has an alterior motive, because I just pick up bad vibes from people, and they're usually right. Only once have they been wrong, and that person was still kind've a jerk, but not anymore. Anyway, I definitely want her in my life now. Everyone is saying no contact with her, but I'm afraid that will drive her away more. I basically just want her back, she's so amazing to me. I love her and always will.
So please help!
|Friday, September 2nd, 2005|
helpless in love
Hey everyone, im new and in desperate need of any and all advice.
Ok so my ex-boy friend, whos name is Joe, is two years younger then me which is not the issue. But I met him my junior (his freshman) year of high school and pretty much have been in love with him since. I cannot thing of one moment of knowing him i was ok with just being friends. Well, one day my senior year we finally kissed in December. I left for college (2 hours away) in august. We broke up for about a month for reasons i am not to sure of in November, but had gotten back together over Christmas break. We had an awesome relationship. We had tons of fun hanging out with our friends and what not. After Summer vacation, I left for school again in August which was his senior year of HS. Everything was great and I came home at least every other weekend to see him. Come April, I was coming home for summer vacation again and things seemed fine at first. He had gotten close to some new friends while I was away, which was fine. We had started fighting a bit and i was getting mad at him because it seemed like he would rather spend time with his friend Chris then me.And I know the way I reacted to alot of situations definitely pushed him away, But my strange emotions came mostly from me going on Birth Control, which I had explained to him and im pretty sure he understood. June 7th, he comes over and we pretty much talked about breaking up but he had to leave for work so we said we would talk more that night. Around midnight we meet up and decide it would be best to just take a break for awhile but said we definitely would get back together. We just needed some time. We actually danced in the parking lot, cried and he said he would always love me and couldnt see himself with anyone else. So needless to say, I had a good feeling about the break up thinking we would definitely get back together. Days later, I was confused as to where we stood and found out that he was getting feelings for his friend Kelly and they ended up dating about a week later. Of course I was absolutely crushed and disgusted. Kelly was leaving for school at out of state in 2 months so I told myself it was just a fling which could be good for him since I was his first everything (including first GF) Well, It is now Sept. and I am back at school, Kelly and Joe broke up when she left, and Joe is now living acros the street from me. I keep hoping that I can get things going between us by hanging out with him and what not. Im just really confused because I cant read his signals. He came over here one night and played the song we danced to twice, even after i changed it. Ive had many guys tell me they were interested, but for some reason I cannot let go of Joe. Ive been in love with him for so long and got him once, I dont know if im ready to give up just yet. I know everyone is going to say "try new things and let him come back to you". but its just not easy to sit back and wait for it to happen. But at the same time, I dont want to come off as pathetic. Im just so clueless on how to handle this. I just know I dont want to lose him. I guess im pretty much asking for ways to get him back? haha i know, no one can tell me that...I dunno, i guess anything would help a lot.
Me Current Mood: determined
|Thursday, April 7th, 2005|
Hi, my father cheated on my mother with another woman and now he is leaving us.
I'm still in the 'numb' stage, but I'm not numb enough not to feel an insane amount of anger. The tears haven't really come yet. I am just confused by this. My father loved me? He loved my mother? Why this, then? How? I was so angry last night. When mom asked if it were possible to somehow get evidence of him cheating, IM convos etc (for the lawyer we were meeting), I hacked into the bastard's computer and got every e-mail and IM convo he had. I shouldn't have. No, I'm not feeling at all immoral for looking through all of his files. I shouldn't have looked at them, because reading those convos only make me feel more disgusted. I never should have read about them making plans to live together, making plans to be in each others arms soon--make plans to have a baby together. While my father cannot even remember to care for his own child, he's thinking of bringing another one to this world? I printed out every single conversation. There are over 300 pages. Hell, I could publish an entire novel out of the time he's spent on this nameless girl. You always think that this kind of thing could never happen to yourself. Wrong. I don't even know him anymore. This part of him is new and strange. I want to vomit. I want to scream at him. I want to tear him apart. I want to hurt someone
for the way he hurt us. The worst is that he cannot manage to feel even a tiny inkling of remorse for what he's done. I don't think I'll ever be able to look into his dirty, cheating eyes. I'm so angry at for abandoning the only two people who truly, deeply cared for him that now, I want to see him fail. A part of me desperately wants to see him miserable and pathetic years from now. And I want to be able to look down on him coldly and laughingly, because I, his only daughter, will have moved beyond a lowly creature like him. And yes, my heart is broken. Nice to meet you.
|Wednesday, April 6th, 2005|
This is my first post here, and since I didn't notice any first post ettiquette, bear with me.
I guess I'll just jump right in.
I had known this guy for five years. He was kind, sweet, funny.. yet for the longest time we didn't get around to going out, until after I had been broken up with by a different guy (on Christmas, no less). We started going out after that, I was struck by how sweet he was and how different he was from the other guy. Someone I'd known so long, I thought, I could surely trust.
A trusted friend told me just this past Sunday that this guy had asked another girl out, and that they were now dating. That he'd told her he and I were broken up since Thursday -- I'm sorry, I didn't realize 'breaking it off' conversations ended with I love you. And on Saturday, a friend of mine died, so I'm not in the best of mental states already.
I tried to contact him to see what's going on, if this is for real, and if so how he could've done this, and why, but due to crossed signals and other things (him picking up the phone and hanging up when I call) haven't been able to do so.
This is turning me off the entire concept of love. If a person I've known for five years isn't able to be trusted, if I'm truly that lousy a judge of character... And if not, it must be me -- first Christmas, now this? Something about me just causes guys to want to hurt me. And even though "you have to kiss a lot of frogs until you find your prince," well, the prince isn't worth it, okay? Not if I have to give away so much of my soul to each successive frog.
I'm thinking no more relationships for me.
|Monday, March 28th, 2005|
Okay so now, he and I aren't friends anymore. We basically don't like the people either of us have become. He's so different and he claims that I am too. And... Ah it's just so stupid. He used to be so wonderful. And just so awesome to everyone. And now it's like he doesn't care about anyone but himself and the girl that he likes, who is my best friend. I really don't know what happened to him. At first I thought it was because we just weren't together anymore and I thought that maybe that had something to do with the way that I see him now. But I've been talking to some friends, and they agree with me. I haven't really cried over him in a while... but today has been horrible. Current Mood: crappy
|Monday, March 21st, 2005|
|Saturday, March 12th, 2005|
Sometimes I think he (Tom) is just looking for reasons not to talk to me. Like yesterday we were talking and he hates my friend Alex. And he won't tell me why. Alex is bisexual and Tom keeps saying that he is a "man fucker" and stuff like that. And then he was telling me not to talk to him anymore because Alex is a freak and stuff. And it's making me so mad. And then later he says he's joking... and after that he does it again! Idk what to do... And it's honestly killing me. I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal because like an hour later he says he's joking... but still it hurts. hah I'm pathetic... Maybe. I don't know =\ I just wish that we could be like how we used to be. Even if we aren't together. He was my best friend and now sometimes I can't stand him. He was the only person who actually understood me. And I wish I could get that back. But I can't because we didn't talk for 5 months... and now we don't have the chance to get to know ecahother like we did because our parents don't want us to be friends. >. Current Mood: crushed
|Thursday, March 10th, 2005|
|Monday, March 7th, 2005|
Okay so I just joined. I'm Devon and I'm 15 years old. Seems a little young to have a broken heart but I think you guys seem like a nice bunch of people =)
Do you think 15 is too young to be broken hearted? Idk... I was with this guy for a year which I know isn't really that long but... it seemed like forever. His name was Tom and he was my best friend. We were inseperable. Always together or on the phone. And our relationship was the kind that people envied. The kind that girls told their boyfriends "why can't you be more like Tom?" He was the guy I lost my virginity to and vice versa. The first guy I ever said "I love you" to and meant it (if you can mean it at 15). We spent virtually every day together. And he was the most amazing person I had ever met. We'd lay in bed talking about running away and getting married. And of course we knew none of it would ever happen. But we talked of it anyway. And there were points where I was totally serious.
We broke up in November of last year. We just started talking again the other day. That break up was quite possibly the hardest thing I had ever done. Between the crying myself to sleep every night and seeing him in the hallways in school... it was hell. And I'd always just pray for maybe a smile or a "hi" from him but it never came. Now we're friends and it's better than nothing. I still wish sometimes that he would look at me the way that he used to. The way that made me feel like the luckiest girl alive. I really don't know how I'm going to get over him. I know it will take time, but I'm very impatient.
He was the only guy who ever made me feel pretty or wanted. I have to say, I'm not much of a looker. But when I was with him, he made me feel beautiful. He was one of those guys that would call you "gorgeous" or "beautiful" instead of "hot" or "sexy". He knew exactly what to say at the right moment. And he made me believe in myself.
I guess we'll see hwo this turns out. I'd like comments... because I'd like to know if you guys think that someone can "fall in love" at 15. Because if you can, I did. And if you can't, then it was the closest thing to it.
|Thursday, March 3rd, 2005|
|Thursday, February 10th, 2005|
I don't usually post on here...I stick to commenting on other peoples love problems but, all I have to say is...
Grrrrr Valentine's Day and Grrrrrrr crappy relationships.
I am glad I am working that night so I can avoid the 3 potential dates I was offered to go on. Instead I will spend the day telling my friends and family I love them because, well for one I DO love them. For another I haven't said those 3 words and actually really meant them with ALL of my heart in a long time. Love is just frustrating sometimes. Can't I just hide under the covers that day? Lol. *Sighs*
Oh and...if anyone would like me to add them or needs someone to talk to I'd love to chat :) Those with broken hearts need to stick together right? Current Mood: calm
|Wednesday, February 9th, 2005|
Life goes on
Hi every one can I say that its not only us adults hurt when relationships break down its the kid if you have them. My wife walked out on me and the kids just over 12 months ago. I got the kids through the legal system which is shit in this country. I am 42 a man some times I struggle has a single dad but I got my kids to keep me going when I get down and me to them like wise. I am lonely sometimes but thats life and the world will not stop turning just because at times I would like it to. I would love to communicate with someone with a similar experiencer mine is a painful breakdown and more can be found on single parents community pages. You can also access my profile if you like what you see contact me. I have changed in the past 12 months my religion for example I was christian but now practice Paganism I needed to explore my innerself. At first I thought I was to blame for the marriage breakdown but it took me a while to realise it was not my fault my ex was commiting adultery and thought more of the bastard she went off with. I know I am a good man and a real man this I can shout loud and proud. Current Mood: content
|Thursday, January 20th, 2005|
Oh God I'm so hurt I'm sick. I've been crying all day and my nose is so stuffed up I can't breathe. I've called everyone I can call, including my Mother, my therapist, and my shrink, the last two being people I never reach out to unless I'm really confused and hurting, seriously bottomed out. In fact I've never called my Psychiatrist before, I've never felt this swept off my center.
I've taken Scott off my friend's list and am making this entry private so I can write here candidly and feel safe. I don't think this will be permanent, or that I'll break up with him over this, although I certainly feel like it. I don't know, it's bad enough that we might, I guess it all depends on how he handles things, but I don't know what he could say to make up to me for having betrayed me so. Even my hands are shaking while I type this.
I don't know where to start, I'm having a hard time, it isn't like he Fucked someone else, but he lied to me, chiseled, and cheated on me just the same. In his cold, ruthless, career-climbing arrogance he doesn't see how much he's hurt and diminished me, how much he's undercut the one person who has consistently been there for him -- the one person who has supported him and loved him the most, despite all of the many personality quirks that make getting closer to him or living with him impossible for me.
I don't know where to start. I keep starting over again. I've written paragraphs about this and I can't seem to make them make any sense so I save what I've written, set it aside, and then come back and start over again. I'm too upset to write. I'm too upset not to. I've been crying all day.
I don't know whether to tell you the story from the beginning or just cut to the chase, tell you what he did to me last night and tonight, and then fill in the missing pieces for anyone new, or friends who may not have been following the story, and who just popped in to say hello. I just know that I'm dying inside and I need to get these feelings out, need to express them to people who I know care about me, and I think you care, or at least I think some of you do. I may be Fucked up and naive, but I see you as friends, even though we haven't ever met in person. Live Journal as a whole feels like a friend, it's my daily journal, my dear diary, my companion in good times and in bad. I have my cats, they're cuddled around me, and I love them, but when you feel really betrayed, shocked awake by the actions of your lover and your best friend, it's hard to take deep comfort from your animal friends, at least for me, right at this moment it is.
Scott, my partner of twelve or thirteen years, my lover, my friend, my supposed art buddy, betrayed me, he lied to me, twice. I was scheduled to sing backup with the other two women he hired, in his producers crappy, rinky-dink, spider-filled, Daddy's back yard studio, this Wednesday and Thursday, but Scott called me early in the week and canceled Thursday's session saying "You won't be hurt if we don't use the "Irie Girls" on Thursday will you?" I remember thinking that was so weird. Why would I be hurt? I asked him if it was because of me, if something was wrong, if either Marc or he hadn't liked the way our session went, if they didn't think I was good enough, and he lied and reassured me saying, "Oh no, no, no, we weren't planning on using "the girls" on all of the songs anyway. We're running out of time and I can't afford it. I have other things I need to work on in the studio with Marc." I did feel a little hurt and brushed off, what about his promise to try to find places where he could use my voice more, but I tried to make myself understand and feel supportive of his needs and decision.
Then yesterday I went to see my shrink. I was totally sleep deprived and I had/have a sore throat. I knew this was coming on, and psychologically I haven't exactly been feeling supported or included in this process of singing on Scott's album, so I wasn't looking forward to recording last night. But when my doctor said, "Look, you're so exhausted you could get in an accident, you're in no shape to do anything but go home and sleep," I thought God, maybe Scott will understand, he is my boyfriend after all, I'll just call and appeal to him and explain how awful I feel and ask if we can reschedule our session.
So that's what I did. I called him at work at around 2:00, we weren't getting together until 8:00, and Kimberly hadn't even wanted to come, she was coming as a favor because Scott was pushing so hard. I explained the situation to Scott, I apologized and offered to pay for everyone's time. I even suggested that he go ahead and get together with the girls anyway, but bring me back in for another session at my cost, all so I wouldn't be cut out of his Fucking album because I so badly wanted to be a part of it. But he said that it wouldn't be possible to schedule a session just for me, and that Marc wouldn't be able to do that, all the while knowing that he was planning on doing just that in this secret session with Kimberly that he had lied to me about. This is a man who I have put all of my trust in, someone who I had never thought would lie to me, someone who I never thought would be a seamless manipulative liar like my ex. I completely trusted him with pretty much everything other than maybe around his biggest problem which is his Fucking massive addiction to and lifelong over dependence on marijuana. When it comes to pot he's already proven himself to be a liar, but that's another enormously painful subject that I don't even want to try to get into now.
He told me that he would call the "girls" (Fucking sexist pig) and reschedule our session, and then he asked me if I would mind if he still went ahead and worked with Marc. No, of course not, why would I mind that? Again he asked me if I would mind or feel hurt, and again it felt weird, (why, because he was lying), that he would ask me something like this. I only feel insecure and threatened around the tiny little piece of musical pie that he has reluctantly agreed to share with me, not about anything else. As long as he wasn't going to get together with the other women and hand over every available vocal part to one of them I wouldn't have any reason to mind anything he did in the studio. So feeling insecure for good reason I asked him to assure me that he wouldn't get together with the other women without me. He assured me that he wouldn't and I trusted him. I'm an idiot a stupid trusting broken hearted idiot, and this isn't the first time this has happened to me in my life. In fact there isn't a person I've loved who hasn't betrayed me in some important way. I've been betrayed and abandoned since birth and if I sound self pitying it's because that's how I'm feeling.
He called me from work at lunch today like he always does and the first thing I did was thank him for allowing me to stay home and get the rest I needed. I told him how much it meant to me that he had been willing to be flexible and rescheduled everything for me. Then I asked him how it went last night in the studio -- asked him what he had worked on -- and he said, "Oh well, we worked with KIMBERLY all night." Am I crazy or didn't he agree not to work with her? When I asked him about this he very defensively said, "I didn't say I wouldn't work with Kimberly, I said I wouldn't work with the Irie girls."
I'm so hurt that just the name Irie girls makes me want to spit venom at his eyes. The word Irie and the way he has treated me, to say nothing of his supposed friend Joan, just don't go together, fake lying disloyal wanna-be reggae Iriemon. Naturally I was hurt and felt betrayed, he went ahead and did the very thing he promised not to do and he had lied about it in a very premeditated way. Now he just wanted to blow it by me as if it were nothing. All of his music that I have loved for so long feels like a big, fat, fake, pot shrouded pose to me right now, Reggae, Rasta, Irie, Jah -- Bullshit Mon.
When I got hurt and angry he got defensive and acted like a little kid, didn't take responsibility for anything and had the nerve to say, "I never promised you that you would be on this album! I don't owe you anything!" Nice words for your lover to say to you don't you think? Doesn't owe me anything? Never promised me? Fuck you Scott!
I don't even have the strength to go into how very much I have stood by him and supported him in every possible way through all of these years. Financially as well as emotionally. He's a fifty-two year old, very overweight, Jewish white guy, who can't stand for more than fifteen minutes at a time and he wants to be a world famous reggae singer. He's my lover, he's my partner, I see it as my job to believe in him and to support him, period! Obviously we don't see things the same way. When he needed pictures I paid for them. When he needed some complicated digital computer recording device, I swear I think it cost a thousand dollars, I bought it for him. When I told him this he threw it back in my face and said, he wasn't talking about money. Well, then how about the years of emotional support, my unflagging belief in his talent and potential in the face of so many defeats and obstacles? And as far as promises are concerned he had given me his word, (which to any adult on this or any other planet, is as good as a "promise") that he would include me and make even more room for me on his album. So how did all of that get turned into, I think I'll sneak off and give Kimberly all of the fill in vocal parts, and lie to Jacqui about it in the process?
Then to make everything so much worse, I asked him if he had also been lying about Thursday night, if the reason he had canceled on me for Thursday was because he was planning to use just Kimberly instead of me, and he killed me when he said, "Yes."
The whole process of singing these background vocals has been miserable for me when it could have been such a great experience, primarily because of the selfish, lazy-ass, unsupportive, competitive, arrogant, egotistical yet deeply insecure and hurried way that Scott has included me, and then secondarily there are all of my own personal, emotional, hang ups and considerations, all of which I can rise above with just a shred of support.
The first I ever even heard about his having decided to create a girl backup band was days before he decided we had to go into the studio. I don't know how long he'd been thinking about it but I do know that he never brought it up, never discussed any of his plans with me. We had a fight because he was rough and hurtful. He said that I shouldn't expect to be treated any better than anyone else, that we were all the same, that just because I was his girlfriend was no guarantee that he would even use my vocals, that it was all up to Marc. Then as always he completely flipped in the other direction, told me I had misunderstood, denied having said any of that, then apologized and agreed that he should have included me more, considering I have been on this musical journey with him for thirteen years now, and as his partner in love if not creativity. He agreed that I deserved to be included in decisions that would involve or affect me and he PROMISED me that I would be the lead singer in the group I didn't even know we were creating, and that he would treat me better than everyone else. Oh God whatever, how can any woman know where they stand with a man like this, a man so unsure of where his loyalties lie that he'll just say whatever needs saying in the moment and then take it back whenever it suits him?
Anyway I was a good sport about it, I went and recorded with these other women even though I was really hurt and afraid. I had practically no support from the producer or more importantly from Scott. They just tossed me in to this artificially "professional" pressure cooker environment that didn't need to be that way at all, and expected me to figure things out for myself, even though they both knew I had never worked like that before. Scott never bothered to introduce me to these two women, who both showed up late, never scheduled even one rehearsal so we could work out some of the vocals together before going in to the studio. Like I said he just threw me in there and expected me to swim, and I honestly think I did. I did the best I could and thought it went as well as could be expected. We scheduled two more sessions to cover the rest of the songs and Scott promised me that he would give me a bigger role vocally, that he would take better care of me, and stand up for me more to his producer, that he would even give me some solo parts. But instead he has done the complete opposite and hung me out to dry, undercutting my already weakened self esteem and ability to trust anyone in the process.
I just feel so bottomed out, hurt, and betrayed, He doesn't believe in me, doesn't think I'm good enough, didn't even care to hear my voice on his CD. Apparently thought he was doing me a favor by letting me sing a few buried background vocals. I don't know how to express how devastating this is to me, how deep this goes, how many levels of hurt I feel this on. I want you to believe in me, to know that I do have a good voice, that I have so much to offer and that I do deserve to be included, and why I feel that my lover, partner, friend and art buddy should believe in and support me above everyone else, and somehow convey what a huge breach of trust this is, but I don't know if I can.
When he came by tonight he said that I don't have a realistic understanding of my ability or something like that, and just telling you this makes me think you'll take Scott's side. But I can tell you that there isn't anything that Kimberly or anyone else could do on Scott's CD that I couldn't do with just a tiny bit more time, help or patience, and I think I'm entitled to this. Just because Scott is raring to go on this doesn't mean he doesn't have an extra few days to bring me in, he is the only one who has been driving this thing like a hot wet horse, no one else has been rushing this project along. He could easily have built bridges, arranged a rehearsal with me and the other women, not girls, could have broken down the parts for us, taught them to me, instead he hung me out to dry. He completely set me up, Fucked me over, betrayed me, hurt me, and now I'm here, alone as usual trying to pick up the pieces.
I thought we were going to work it out somehow tonight, but his Fucking ego kept getting in the way. He'd say he was sorry, and then he'd back pedal and defend himself like always. He tried to minimize my feelings by telling me that I was blowing this out of proportion, he tried breaking me by insulting me, he would say things and then moments later say he'd say he never said them. It was painful, heartbreaking, tedious, and as usual when we fight, awful. Then when he said, "You go too far, you don't know when to stop, and I don't know how to help you," I told him that if he didn't have anything else to say and didn't want to listen to me anymore that he should go home. Then when he eagerly got up to leave I started weeping and he turned his back to me and walked out. I hate him, I love him, and I feel broken and betrayed and I hate him.
Everyone I know, and everyone who knows us, says I can do better, says that he is lucky to have me and that I am too good for him, but I still love him. Despite all his flaws, (and this isn't to say that I am not aware of my own many flaws), despite his addiction, his selfishness, his immaturity, and the fact that now I know he is easily capable of lying in the same way that my ex could -- I mean he was so convincing, the mother Fucking manipulator -- I still love him and need him. My Mother says that all I need to do is lose weight and get my boobs fixed, that I need to find another man, as if this will solve everything. When I told her that I love Scott and that I am in love with him she said, "No you're not, you may love him, but you're not in love with him."
We're going to Palm Desert tomorrow. I resorted to taking prescription painkillers to get through this, I know Scott is smoking up a storm at his house, smoking, eating, watching TV, numbing his way out of this, leaving me along to deal with the fallout from his betrayal, so why shouldn't I? I'm sorry, it's just that I never thought he would lie to me, I thought if I had anything, it was that I had this great solid, honest, loving relationship with him, and now I know that I don't. He doesn't believe in me, he doesn't support me as a singer, he is a coward, he is selfish, and he is a liar who forgets who he should be loyal to. He said, "I never promised you anything. I don't owe you anything." This is my best friend, the person I have given the most of myself to. I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I don't know if I've made any sense here or if this has just come out like one great big stoned spew of words and feelings but I just had to get it out there, I can't carry it around in my heart any longer, it just weighs too much. I've avoided talking about how hard this has been because I didn't want anyone to read this and think badly of Scott. I didn't want to make things worse than they already were so I just bucked up and put a positive spin on it. Now I just need a friend.
Someone say something that will make me feel better, please? I don't want to lose my man who I love so much. I don't want to believe I'm a washed up, wanna-be, but terrible singer of the William Hung American Idol variety, someone who thinks she is so much better than she really is. I want a partner who believes in me, even if he is deluded to. I want a lover who loves my voice, even if it is only because this is the voice that whispers in his ear during our most intimate moments. I want the man I've loved and cared for back. I honestly don't know who this deeply flawed creepy lying chiseler of truths is. And I don't want to become an embittered man hater, or an even more frightened housebound agoraphobic. My God if there was one person I thought I could trust, it was this one person. If the situation were flipped, and it soon will be, if I inherited a bunch of money from my father and was free to use it in some way that supported my creative aspirations, can you imagine how hurt he would be if I treated him the way he is treating me? Again, I just feel like throwing up.
|Sunday, January 16th, 2005|
Hello all! My name is Nicole and I figured that I would introduce myself and tell my story. I was 23 and bitter. I had walls of steel around me since I'd been hurt more than I could stand and I was determined not to let it happen again. My friends even called me the Ice Bitch. And I met Eric. I was thinking, "goodie, a new toy!" and gradually over the next couple of years he pulled down my walls and found a way inside. He blundered along the way and I pulled up my wall again, but then it was gone. My emmotions were exposed raw and there was nothing I could do about it. I finally learned to relax and have fun and to love. I loved him, and I still do.
New Years was "our" holiday. The first one I pulled him out of his comfy element and into mine with my friends. That was the night of our first kiss. He had already been spending the night at my apartment for a couple of months with nothing happening between us. We just watched movies and cuddled up and went to sleep. He pushed me aside for this girl kelly that February. I didn't take it well, but I just pulled up my wall and pretended that he didn't exist. kelly blew him off for their second date and he was behind me telling a friend of mine and I turned around and laughed at him and walked away. About 2 months later he wore me down by his attentiveness and I "let" him spend time with me again. Then we spent more time together. After a few months we were inseparable you did not see one of us without the other. He started being disrespectable here and there, but then he'd be cute and apologetic and I'd let it go. Then I stopped going out with my friends so that Eric and I could be together and have fun. Then he started flirting with every girl that would talk to him, yet if I talked to a guy he would all but pee on my leg to mark his territory. But that was ok, because he's just being protective. We didn't argue, there wasn't anything to argue about I don't mind giving an inch and nothing else was really that important. New Years came and it was wonderful. We were perfect together. Then he wanted to go on a date with this woman heather. He just wanted to see what she was like because she seemed interesting. That was ok, because he came over after and we talked about it as we fell asleep. A little more time went by and he met sarah. Then he wasn't comming over as much. Then I didn't see him in a week. When he did come over it was to tell me that we needed to end because he saw a chance of "something" with sarah. I didn't take it well. I didn't have a wall to pull up around me and hide my hurt. I went and found him at the bar we hung out at and made a drunken spectacle of myself. It wasn't pretty in any way shape or form. Eric was embarassed and didn't talk to me for a month and a half. On St. Patrick's day we made up and started talking again. He started spending the night at my apartment again. Nothing was happening, but we would just cuddle up and go to sleep. By June, he was still with sarah, but we were having sex again. He and sarah had a fight at the beginning of December so he and I got to spend the holidays together and once again New Years. Then 2 weeks later we found out that I was 2 months pregnant (so he would have been with sarah at the time). I wouldn't get an abortion. That didn't go over well. This time I wouldn't give an inch. I gave him 2 weeks to convince me that was what I should do. His only reason was "I don't want to". That's not enough to kill my child. He was angry, hurt, just down right miserable. Here's a funny part: He had the nerve to bitch about feeling betrayed to sarah, the girl he was cheating on for 5 months. I got a kick out of that. How do I know it was said? Because sara's roommate went to my work to yell at me for being selfish by not having the abortion, and to scold me for sleeping with someone in a relationship. I'm sorry, I didn't know that it was my job to keep him faithful. And it wasn't exactly in my power to keep refusing him when all I wanted was to be in his arms. So he didn't talk to me for the beginning of my pregnancy and then we saw eachother at a funeral of a friend of ours and started talking again. Then we started sleeping together again. Why not? Its not like I could get any more pregnant. That was my reasoning, and I just wanted to be with him. If he could just pretend that he loved me I would have been happy. Then he met sue. That's who he's with now. When I was 5 months along I discovered this. He was telling me that he didn't have standards anymore... thus sue. She's the poster girl for "white trash". So, here I am 5 months along and here's this girl waving at me from across the room to get my attention every time she goes to make out with Eric. This went on for hours and then when it was time to go she made a point for me to see that he was going home with her. I was in tears and she pointed and laughed at me. I still think that she needs a brick in the head, but we'll let that go. Eric wasn't there for the birth of his daughter. He showed up the next day for half an hour. He's seen her a couple of times. Her name is Estella Michelle, it means "Star from God". I'm into the whole meaning of names thing. He hasn't seen her in 3 months. He's turned into a real prick, or maybe he's always been one and I just couldn't see it. I still love him though. I love who he was. I love who he was to me even though I hate who he's become. I still close my eyes at night and can feel him curled around me. I still go through my day thinking "I'll have to remember to tell Eric". I look at our daughter and wonder at how he can stand to be away from her. I miss his silly jokes and him trying to impress me. I miss how safe he could make me feel when I poured my heart out to him. And now I'm hurt and bitter and I don't feel like I will ever be okay again. I know that time heals, but it seems like this will take forever. And I feel like I'll be alone till I die because I don't want to get hurt again. That's it, thanks for reading. Sorry if I babbled a bit. Current Mood: sad
|Wednesday, January 5th, 2005|
ok so what is someone supposed to do when there totall yin love with someone who is totally in love with them also but only wants to be friends because they beleive that two peopel should never be together more than once?
|Tuesday, October 5th, 2004|
hello, I'm new. My name is Natalie. I'm 20. I feel feel open and raw right now, see little less then a month ago my boyfriend of almost 4 months informs me that
a.) "we need to take a break."
b.) I have personality traits he can't live with
c.) that we might as well break up now, to save a fight and never speaking to each other again.
d.) i'm aggravating
e.) but he still cares about me and wants to be friends
and acts like an ass every time I try to ask him what changed.
We met over LJ, turns out he was in Mi for college, we started emailing each other then phone calls... then we met. He always liked to say we fit.
And in early August he asked me to think about coming to live with him after we were together for 6 months. He even said he was thinking about staying in
Mi(his graduation is in Dec., he hopes to get a job in CA or FL.)until I wanted to leave. And I fell in love. we spent most of the summer together, and constantly being told I'm almost perfect and beautiful, being told that he was so happy to have finally found someone that he plans to spend a "very long time with") apparently 4 months is a long time to a male).
When he told me he wanted to break up(over the phone) and that he had been thinking about it for 2 weeks(10 of those 14 days we were together, and he conveniently wanted to have sex right before I left to go home).It put me into a serious state of shock, I right after he broke it off started my period a week early, I've lost almost 20 pound(I only weighted about 113, now I'm almost 90), I can't sleep or eat right. And because he still wants to be friends he calls whenever he wants to talk to someone or is stressed out(once a midnight, once a 8 in the morning, and I love this guy so I want to help him with his stress, but its tearing me up). I can't bring myself to talk to him about how much he hurt me, becuase the last time I tried he became really mad. I don't want to lose him completely, but I can't live like this. I don't know if I should take the chance of him never speaking to me again to tell him he hurt me and that I want to know the real reason he broke it off.
I'm in a different state right now visiting my aunt, I didn't bring along my cell(roaming sucks), but before I left, he called twice asking to talk before I left. I called him, and he just kept asking me what I wanted to talk about(i emailed him and told him i was uncomfortable talking to him. and that there is alot of stuff I now feel I can't share with him, to which replied"u can tell me anything") I feel really hurt that he thinks we can just be friends so easily. I hated that he was so annoyed that I was hurt that he wanted to break up. I don't want to just stop talking to him, because I do like him. He's a great guy, but him not caring what he's doingt to my emotional state is driving me insane, or perhaps he doesn't know he's doing it. I haven't mentioned "us" since we got into a fight a few days after we broke up, I figured I'd just live with it, and I'll get over him and we can just be friends. I figured that if I just acted normal, and not hung up and so pathetic as I feel, that he would see me a myself and want me back. When I asked if he would flat out tell me that he had no feelings for me and that he would never again
ask me out, he wouldn't do it, I pin it off on ego, that he gives me just enough hope to hang on, so that he knows he's stringing a chic along. I don't want to lose him, but I can't live like this, crying every time a love song plays(the Savage Garden song,Chained to you, is exactly how it was the first time he kissed me, that use to be one of my fav. songs , or when I see something that reminds me of him(pools,ice cream,anime,my icon...). I don't know what to do. I wish I would of never met him.
|Monday, October 4th, 2004|
I feel so stupid
Hi everyone, I'm new.
I went out with this guy in 8th grade...I know you all must be thinking, "This should be rich" and "And let me guess- you were MADLY in love at the age of 14! I'm real sure!"
But let me be perfectly clear when I say that I am not the kind of person to fall for that crap. I never believed that you could ever fall in 'love' after week of 'going out' in junior high, but then there was this boy....His name was...ok we won't go there, but he was my best friend in 7th grade, but not you're typical best friend, there was really something else about him, it didn't feel like love at the time because you know, when you're 13 you can't really tell the difference between anything because you have too much hormoanal growth going on.
Anyway, we started going out in 8th grade at the beginning of the year and I, in fact, broke up with him after a week because he told me he 'loved me' and I of course didn't believe him. How could someone love someone after a week, right? Plus- I knew how young we were. But I felt bad and decided I should give him another chance.
To sum it up- we basically went out the rest of the year, had our really hard times, and somewhere in November I really believe I fell in love with him, I've never cared so much about one person ever or felt so absolutely loved before.
The last time I saw him was at a really bad pool party(i ended up getting hit in the head with a basketball and freezing my ass off when the temperature dropped to 60 degrees and I was soaked), we ended up both going to different schools and I havent' seen him since. I've talked to him a few times and that's it.
Now I am 16 years old, and I still can't forget about him. And you might be thinking that I'm just can't forget him because he's some guy that might've had strong feelings for me and I'm just hung up on because I haven't been hooking up since: not true. I've had several boyfriends, of all varieties; handsome, smart, talented, charming, some really really great dream guys. None of which seem to make me happy, at least not like he did.
I feel stupid, like, wow, I was freaking 14 years old, you're not allowed to fall in love that young, it just doesnt happen.
How can I forget him?
|Monday, July 12th, 2004|
Just joined the community after the worst week of my life. My partner of 10 years told me last wednesday that he had met someone else and while he still loved me, he loved he too. I had no idea, I still don't think I have accepted it. We were meant to be moving into our new house next week, on Monday he took me shopping for furniture, on Wednesday he destroyed me. He says he doesn't know what he is doing or who he wants to be with but I can see that he is going to go to her.........not matter what I do and how I try to fight for him. I am not feeling anything, the pain is so big I can't feel it. There are too many decisions and too many changes. I haven't eaten for nearly a week, I don't think I'll ever sleep again. I want it all to go away. I don't think I can cope. How can one human being inflict this pain on someone they claim to care for.... Current Mood: crushed